Why I Do What I Do

I am so happy that the semester is finally coming to a close. This week is the last week of classes and then there is exam week. I am looking forward to no longer having the pressures of my work schedule dictate my exercise schedule. Having more down time means more time for me to visit the gym and to train for my upcoming race. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me to meet my goal time, but I am determined to stay motivated and positive.

When the going gets tough, I usually find it difficult to remember why I even set my health and fitness goals in the first place. In preparation for those days, I am making a list of reasons why I am doing what I am doing. 

1. I need to prove to myself that I can stick to it!
2. I want to do as much as I can to avoid a life plagued by weight-related illness.
3. I want to be physically prepared to fulfill my calling and reach my life goals.
4. I want to feel better about my physical self.
5. I want to have more options when shopping for clothing.
6. I want to instill healthy habits in my children.
7. I want to be a better example for my daughter.

I suppose that I could think of other reasons, but my biggest motivation is conquering my self-doubt. While I have moments of confidence, I am constantly battling the inner-voice that tells me that I am not going to be successful. But, with each step that I take toward my goal, that voice seems to grow quieter and quieter. I am looking forward to the day when that voice is finally silenced! In the meantime, I am moving along on my weigh to reaching my goals.

Sweet 16

Yesterday I attended my high school reunion to celebrate 16 years since our graduation in 1996. There was something very surreal about the whole thing. I cannot believe how much time has passed since graduation. And I really don't feel old enough to have graduated high school 16 years ago!

I guess the blessing is that I don't feel that old. Time has been good to me. I have accomplished so much since leaving high school. I am alive and healthy and I am enjoying my life. I am happy to know that so many of my classmates are doing the same.

We were fabulous in high school and we are even more fabulous now!

Raw Emotion

Lately, I feel like I am so much more emotional than I have been in the past. As a woman, I know the curve balls that hormones can throw my way. I am very in tune with my hormonal cycle and I know exactly when my "crazy days" will occur. But what I have been feeling is so much more than the usual PMS. After mulling over this for several months, I think I have finally pinpointed my issue.

For the better part of my life, I have been an emotional eater. When I am feeling off emotionally, there is nothing that a burger and fries can't cure. However, since I recommitted to exercising and eating right, I no longer bury my emotions in food. While this is an overall positive change, there is a downside. I have to find new, healthy ways to manage my emotions. This is something that I have yet to accomplish. Until I do, I will continue to struggle with my raw, unmasked emotions.

The good thing is that I am finally aware of this issue. My next step is to find ways to address it. For starters, this blog is very cathartic. Once again, I am able to express my feelings in a productive manner. I am working on building a better support network of people who are making this weight loss journey with me. It is nice to have people to commiserate with and to look to for guidance and support during the tough times. I am sure that this will get easier as I move on my weigh. But for now, excuse me if I am a bit cranky.

Calorie Counting Craziness

Calorie counting is a necessary part of any weight loss endeavor. As they say, "you can't manage what you don't measure." While I understand how important calorie counting is, it makes me crazy sometimes. And now is definitely one of those times!

I have been feeling a bit confused as to whether I am eating enough for my size and activity level. My Fitness Pal says I should eat 1880 calories per day, and the other calorie calculators say I should be close to 2200 per day. Then there is the obsessive voice in my head telling me to stay around 1400 calories per day. With all of these numbers swirling around in my head, what is a girl to do?!

On the one hand, I want to trust the higher estimates. I know that you have to sufficiently fuel your metabolism to lose weight. But, then I am fearful about eating too much and gaining weight as a result. I know that 1400 calories is probably not enough, so I will let that one go. So that leaves me with 1880 or 2200 calories per day.

Hubby suggested that instead of getting stuck on a rigid number, I should shoot for a range. On my very intense workout days, I should eat closer to the 2200 calories. On rest days and days that my workout is not as intense, I should stay closer to the 1880 calories. I suppose that Hubby is right. He is always so sensible about things, whereas I tend to be very rigid and legalistic.

So my plan for the next few weeks is to stay within a range of 1880-2200 per day. I will see how things go weight-wise and I will make the necessary adjustments. I will let you know how it goes!

The Perfect Saturday

A while back I started a new Saturday routine and I absolutely love it! This new routine includes two hours at the gym, a nice healthy lunch, and a long hot bath and facial when I get home. It is the perfect way to end a long week.

At the gym I usually do Bodyjam for an hour, followed by an hour of Bodyflow. Lately, I have switched out Bodyjam for an uphill walk on the treadmill. I love Bodyjam and I still go on Tuesday nights, but two Bodyjam classes a week was getting a bit boring. Now that I am training for BWC, I will be running on Saturday mornings before taking the Bodyflow class.

The combination of cardio and Bodyflow is divine! Bodyflow is a mix of Tai Chi, yoga, and pilates, so there is lots of stretching, deep breathing, and calm, positive energy. Don't get me wrong, I definitely work up a sweat. But, in a much more relaxing manner. After a long week of ripping and running, Bodyflow is just what I need!

Once I leave the gym, I feel peaceful and my mind is clear. I usually enjoy a nice salad or a scrambled egg with veggies. Then I revel in a steaming hot bath and pamper myself by giving my skin the royal treatment. (I recently started using this organic skincare line that works wonders!)The rest of my Saturday involves relaxing and keeping positive.

Thinking back to the old me, a great Saturday would have involved anything but time at the gym and healthy eating. I am also not sure how much relaxation it would have involved. But, I have come a long way to where taking care of me is enjoyable and does not mean stuffing myself with unhealthy food. I now see challenging myself physically and eating healthy as two of the greatest things I can do for myself. Of course, a long hot bath and a facial have always been a great idea!

Keeping My Goals in Mind

It has been about five months 7-10 hours per week, my fitness level is the best it has been my entire adult life, and I have lost 15 pounds. While I am often tempted to feel that I should be further along with the weight loss, I remind myself that this is a process and that slow and steady is best.

In terms of fitness, I am working on two goals at this present time:

• losing at least 20lbs for the  8-week "Extreme Brickover" competition at my gym
• training for the Baltimore Women's Classic 5k in June

In terms of the weight loss competition, we are in week 5 and I am down 10.2 pounds. I really need to make these next three weeks count, if I am to reach my goal. I have been a bit lax since Easter, but I will be tightening up immediately!

I am really excited about training for the race. I ran the BWC for the first time in June 2010. It was the first 5K that I ran and it was hard...but I finished in a little over 57 minutes! My goal for this year is to finish around 45 minutes. This week was my first week back to running in a while, and I am doing a 17-minute mile. To meet my time goal, I need to be at a 13/14-minute mile. While it will be a challenge, I am excited to have something other than the scale to focus on.

I would like to get this blog going again as a way to keep me on track. With the semester winding down, I am sure that I will be able to write a post at least once a week. Please stay tuned and follow me on my weigh!

A Different Approach

I have recently been feeling the need for some extra support and accountability in terms of my weight loss efforts. With my increasing responsibilities at work and at home, it has become so easy to forsake exercising and eating right on busy, stressful days. This has resulted in some significant weight gain over the past few months. I will not even get into how unhappy I am about that. Instead, I will focus on the fact that what is done is done and all I can do is move forward on a better path.

I contemplated a few different options but decided on 1) starting back with Diet-to-Go, 2) reviving my blog and 3) joining a gym and working with a personal trainer. I started the meal plan and joined the gym last week. Initially, everything was moving along fine. But, yesterday, my emotions and my body rebelled like nothing I had ever experienced. So, I gave in. I had the chicken ranch pizza that I was craving and I did not bother to feel guilty about it. I simply made up in my mind that I would get back on track today.

With that in mind, I am on my weigh to the gym for 45-60 minutes of cardio and a group exercise class. I will let you know how that goes!

I'm Back!

I am so ashamed at how long it has been since my last post. But as you may have guessed, life was more than busy. I completed my Ph.D., the holidays came and went, and yet another semester at work is now underway. While life has been busy, it has been good! I am so happy and I have a peace that I haven't experienced in a very long time. I am experiencing a new level of clarity and I have taken on some new challenges on my journey to shed the weight. I am so excited about all that is going on in my life and I will be sharing the details with you in the posts to come. I am back on my weigh and I hope that you will reconvene the journey with me!

Re-evaluating My Relationship

Now that I am once again working towards my weight loss goals, I have been reflecting on my relationship with food. In doing so, I have come to realize that over the past few months food and I have developed a very unhealthy love/hate relationship. I am the first to admit that I love food! I want food when I am happy, sad, proud, angry...the list could go on and on. The bottom line is that there is no mood, situation, or circumstance that food can't get me through. However, food has also been a source of guilt, anger, frustration and stress for me.

A few weeks ago, Hubby brought to my attention the negative conversation that I have with myself almost every night regarding food. No matter how little or how healthy I eat, I end the night beating myself up about my eating. The crazy thing is that this routine has been so ingrained that I do it without even being aware that I do it! How crazy is that?! I end every night fighting with my food!

What I have realized is that I really need to re-evaluate my relationship with food. Food is not my enemy. After all, there is no way that I can live without it! But food does not need to be my best friend. So as I move along on my weigh I will be conscientious not only about eating healthy but also about keeping my relationship with food in proper perspective.

Beginning Again

A few months ago I made the decision to focus all of my time and energy into completing my dissertation. Part of this shift in my focus meant that my weight loss efforts had to take a backseat to my research and writing. It was a very difficult decision to make but it was also very necessary. As much as I would like to think that I am great at multi-tasking, there comes a point where juggling too many tasks at one time could be disastrous.

Don't get me wrong, I did not totally abandon the healthier lifestyle that I began at the start of this blog. However, my exercise was sporadic at best, my healthy eating was inconsistent, and I developed quite the cupcake addiction. So, here I am desperately needing to get back on my weigh.

The good thing is that I have completed my dissertation and I will be graduating in December. This leaves me with a lot more free time and the energy and enthusiasm to restart my journey toward a healthier, more fit lifestyle. To get back in my groove, I am taking it back to the basics. My initial goal is to exercise every day for at least 30 minutes. At least two days a week, I will run for my 30-minute workout. In terms of my eating plan, I will stick to a strict 1600 calories per day. To help me accomplish this, I am going back to diet-to-go for at least some of my meals.

Perhaps you too are ready to begin again. Well there is no time like the present! My philosophy is that every day is another chance to be better, to do better, and to get back on my weigh! Stay tuned for more inspiration and progress updates.

To Be Continued.....

As you probably have noticed by now, it has been a while since I have blogged. I have been in the throws of my dissertation for the past few months and have had no time for any other writing. But, I am happy to report that the dissertation is coming to a close and I will resume writing very soon. So just in case you thought I was done with this blog please know that I will continue.

The Pain of Perfectionism

My name is Jeanine and I am a perfectionist....there, I said it. I have admitted to the world that I struggle with perfectionism. Lately, this obsession with perfection has become a bit paralyzing. I mean, I am struggling to get things done simply because I want them to be perfect. And as any perfectionist can attest to, if it can't be done perfectly, we don't want to do it at all. This mindset leads to procrastination, anxiety and sheer frustration.

The latest victim of my perfectionism has been my weight loss efforts. Here I was moving along so nicely and now, all of a sudden, I have been feeling completely disappointed and defeated. I have been feeling like I should be so much farther along. I have been feeling like I am not working as hard as I should. I have been feeling like this is all pointless. And most troubling of all, I have been feeling like I am just meant to be overweight and there is nothing that I can do about it.

When I mention how I feel to my family and friends they look at me sideways and then go on to remind me of all the progress that I have made. I continually get complimented on how well I am doing and how the fruit of my labor is evident. Still, somehow in my mind, it is still not good enough. I still feel like I have so far to go and that perhaps I will never make it to my goal. My husband is convinced that I am being too hard on myself and that I need to be more patient.

I know that he is right. I am being unrealistic and the little patience that I have for this journey is running oh so thin. I have been at this process for over a year and I just swore that I would be way beyond this point by now. I guess I had in my mind a perfect little scenario that has not panned out. And as much as I want to dust off my Lane Bryant credit card and accept life for what it has been, I cannot. My perfectionism won't let me quit.

So here I am stuck in this conundrum of perfectionism where it is too painful to continue yet too painful to give in. I am not sure how I will do it but I need to find a way to drop this weight of perfectionism. Perhaps this is one of those rough patches in the journey that will fade. Perhaps I am just going through some sort of transition that has my mind and emotions all out of whack. Perhaps this is just another battle in my war against myself and my old habits and attitudes. Whatever the case, I will just keep pressing on my weigh and I pray that it will all work out in the end.

Total Surrender

In this life, it is so easy to get caught up in your own little world. I have recently become aware of how self-absorbed I am. I am not talking about self-absorption in the traditional sense. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very giving person. I am talking about the kind of self-absorption where you are so consumed by your own merits, expertise, resources and know-how that you begin to live life on auto-pilot.

I have fallen victim to this way of life. Instead of being as prayerful as I should be and consulting the Lord as I deal with the challenges of life, I have become very dependent on my own resources and reasoning. I have become very wrapped-up in my own plans, dreams, goals and desires. I have become way too driven by my financial security and stability. And I have even become too wrapped up in my educational status and intellect. In many ways I have been living my life as if I have "arrived".

Certainly, there is nothing wrong with having plans for the future, financial independence and education. There is also nothing wrong with recognizing how far I have come and how much I have accomplished. But, never should all these things drive my life. More importantly, none of these things can cancel out my need for the kind of wisdom, direction, provision and peace that comes only from the Lord.

As I strive to continue on my weigh, I am making the decision to surrender everything in my life to the Lord. I mean everything--my weight loss efforts, my career, my plans for the future, my finances and my family. I have once again been reminded that I cannot do it all on my own. My reasoning and resources can only take me so far. True success for me will only come through total surrender to the Lord.

Mission Accomplished

I did it! I ran my first 5K! Back in April, I started training to run a 5K in September. But, by June, I was ready to go so I ran the Baltimore Women's Classic on June 27th. It was intense but I finished in a little less than an hour.

I am so proud of myself and I am encouraged to continue on my weigh as a runner. So, I invested in some good running shoes, some other running gear and I have been running every day.

Life, Death and Faith

It has been a while since my last post and trust me when I tell you that life has been chaotic. In a span of six weeks, I lost both my grandmother and my uncle. Both losses were pretty sudden and unexpected. Both losses left me feeling empty and incomplete and to some extent just plain old angry!

You see, I have a long and sorted history with death. My first experience with death came early in life. I was only seven years old when my little sister died from cancer. She was only six years old and she died at home. I remember every detail of that day as if it all happened just yesterday. While my youth and innocence spared me a great deal of the grief that comes with such a loss, my life was profoundly effected by that experience.

Over the years, I have lost countless family members, friends and acquaintances. Some deaths were expected after long illnesses but far too many have been sudden and unexpected. No matter how "prepared" I have felt to lose someone, I always feel blindsided once they are finally gone. There is something about the finality of death that I do not think I will ever come to grips with. Death hurts and the thought of moving on with life after losing someone is so much to bear.

Perhaps more than any death that I have experienced, the death of my uncle left me so angry. He passed away suddenly, unexpectedly and with absolutely no warning. There was no time to prepare and no time to say goodbye. When I got the news I was angry and offended that God would allow this to happen. I know that He doesn't make mistakes but this loss sure felt close. I know that God will not give me more than I can bear but I felt like God had completely overestimated my strength. I have always heard that we shouldn't question God but I had lots of questions. And since He is all-knowing, I figured He would definitely have the answers.

On the day of my uncle's service, my anger, offense and frustration seemed to come to a head. As we lined up to enter the church, I felt like I could burst! I mean I was furious...I was "cussin' mad"! I felt like I was being bullied by God. After all, He is all-powerful and I am just human. He allows things to happen and all I can do is deal with it. It all just felt so unfair!

As I sat through the service, I was amazed at the peacefulness of my aunt. She was calm and full of praise. She clapped her hands and she worshipped the Lord as if we were at any Sunday morning service. How amazing is that! I mean here is a woman who just lost her love of 47 years. If anyone should be distraught, she should be. But instead, she was peaceful.

Through this experience, I learned so much about life, death and faith. I realized that life can go on even in the face of loss, pain and grief. I learned that death is a part of life. It can't always be anticipated and it definitely can't be controlled. I learned that faith does not dull the pain of losing someone you love. Instead, faith gives you the strength to make a conscious decision to trust God even when you are hurt, confused and offended. Faith gives you the strength to move forward and to accept God's peace. Faith reminds your broken heart that God has a purpose and a plan and that He has your best interest in mind.

So in memory of all those who I have lost, I am letting go of the weight of trying to figure God out. I am letting go of the anger that, if unkempt, would totally weigh down my life. I am letting go of the places in my mind that would doubt who I have come to know God to be. I am clinging to my faith and I am surrendering to the sovereignty of the Almighty God. In the words of one of my favorite psalmist, I am holding fast to my belief that " all things are working for me, even things I can't see, God's ways are so beyond me. But He said that He would let it be for my good. So, I'll rest and just believe".

Diet-to-Go(ne)

About two months ago, I decided that it was time for me to stop ordering Diet-to Go and start preparing my own meals. This was an intimidating decision because I was not sure that I had the discipline or the know-how to come up with nutritious, calorie-controlled meals that would also be delicious and filling. Well, so far so good and I am doing it on my own. Here are a few things that I do to keep myself on track:

• Always read nutritional labels. Before I buy or eat anything, I investigate the nutritional facts. I even go online to view the nutritional information for restaurants. In most cases, if something is too high in calories and/or fat, I avoid it. To some, the thought of getting so caught up in counting calories, fat grams and the like, maybe daunting. Even for me sometimes all I want to do is just enjoy a meal without having to be so technical. But, living a healthy lifestyle is about making informed choices. Having an understanding of what is in the foods I eat allows me to do so.

• Stick to a serving size. When I am preparing my meals, I limit myself to one serving size. If twelve sweet potato fries will keep me at 130 calories, I literally count out the twelve. It can be tempting to throw in a few extras, but that would throw off my calorie count. Being the type A person that I am, the thought of things not being just right is enough to keep me in line.

• Keep low calorie, low fat snacks handy. I do not let myself run out of fat-free yogurt, string cheese, fresh fruit and Special K protein shakes. These items are great on the go and they keep me from feeling so hungry that I end up in a McDonald's drive-thru!

Of course, I could go on and on. It seems that every week, I discover a new trick to help me to continue on my weigh. I am so excited and proud of myself for initiating and maintaining these lifestyle changes. I hope that you too are finding success as you reach for your goals!

Running Along...

I have been running for over a month and I am making great progress. I am now at the point where I can run two miles non-stop. This is a huge leap from a few posts ago when I could only run .10 miles before having to take a walking break. How on earth do I manage to do this, you ask? Well here are my secrets:

Lifestyle Changes--if you have been following my blog, you will recall that I started this journey back in July 2009. I did not go on any fad diets or start any fancy exercise plans. I simply made drastic, yet sustainable lifestyle changes. I have reduced my caloric intake to about 1200-1400 per day and I exercise regularly. These changes are the foundation for my running.

Read, Read, Read--one of the most important things I do is read about running. I found a great website, active.com, that has tons of information on any aspect of running that you could think of. The saying that "knowledge is power" is spot on in my case. Advancing my knowledge of running has contributed greatly to my growth as a runner.

Practice Pacing--at this point in my running journey, I am most concerned about distance. I simply want to be able to run the entire 5K in September. Speed is much less of an issue for me right now. I realized that I failed at my previous attempts to run because I was running too fast! Now when I run, I focus on pacing myself so that I can complete my run. I have found a pace that challenges me but doesn't defeat me. I am currently able to do a 15-minute mile--not bad for a beginner!

Relax, Relate, Release--I allow myself to rest! I only run on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday mornings. This gives me plenty of rest days in between. During my rest days, I still do some form of exercising. I just don't run on those days. Eventually, I would like to increase my running days but I will have to work up to that point.

As you can see, I am well on my weigh and I hope that your are too!

Thanks...But No Spanx

About a year ago I was introduced to Spanx and it revolutionized my life. I could put on an outfit that was a little too snug, then put on my Spanx and look stunning in that same outfit. For those of you who have joined the Spanx revolution, you are very familiar with the magic I just described. Spanx has a way of taking the inches off, smoothing out the bulges and keeping the jiggles to a minimum. The best part about Spanx is that, unlike traditional girdles, they do all this without making you feel like you have a giant rubber band wrapped around your body. Needless to say, my Spanx has become the staple of my wardrobe.

Imagine my surprise on Easter Sunday when I put on my outfit and didn't need the Spanx! You see, this is an outfit that I purchased several years ago when I was a much smaller me. But even then, I needed a girdle to feel comfortable in it. The outfit I am referring to is a tricky one because it is a bias-cut, linen skirt with a side-zipper. The zipper alone is difficult enough. I don't know what it is about side-zippers but they always seem to cause trouble! To add in linen, which is an unforgiving fabric that has no elasticity whatsoever, adds insult to injury. But the bias-cut...that is a recipe for disaster for anyone who wears larger than a size 5 and has even a little "junk in their trunk". So, to be able to pull off that outfit without a Spanx is truly a miracle!

Well, I am a witness that miracles still happen! What I realized from this experience is that I am doing this thing! I am making huge progress in my weight loss journey! So when I get discouraged and tired on my weigh, I will simply recall this past Easter when I was finally able to say, "thanks...but no Spanxs!"

Running Until I'm Tired...

Spring is here and I am once again feeling inspired! The past few months of this weight loss journey were very difficult. It all felt so mundane, monotonous and down-right pointless at times. I was persistent but not without great struggle. Nevertheless, I have found fresh inspiration and I am once again going hard and going strong!

I did my second 5K last weekend and I decided that would be the kick-off of my working more intently to become a runner. If you recall, in my New Year's post, I stated that one of my goals for this year is to add running into my weekly exercise routine. I ran my first mile back in January but did not continue with it until this week. It is amazing that in such a short time, I am actually able to run more than 15 seconds without feeling like I am going to die. I am not even close to where I want to be, but I am taking it step by step.

My long-term goal is to be able to run the entire 5K in September. This is a huge leap so I decided that I will devote this next six months to training. I have done a lot of reading on running and I have found a very manageable training plan. The best advice for beginning runners that I have come across is to "walk until you're bored and to run until you're tired". I am not sure why but when I read this advice, something in my head clicked. My dream of becoming a runner somehow became so much more feasible.

So that is what I have been doing for the past few days--walking until I am bored and running until I am tired. At this point, I walk .10 miles and run .10 miles. until I complete a mile. I usually continue power-walking for an additional mile. My goal is increase the distance that I run and decrease the walking. I will do this until I am able to run a complete 5K. At that point, I will set an even greater goal.

Having this goal of becoming a runner has put purpose back into my workouts and weight loss efforts. I feel so driven and excited to continue this amazing journey. Perhaps you are looking for fresh inspiration this spring. I would encourage you to think about your goal and find a way to work intently towards it. I guarantee that once you do, you will find yourself like me...back on my weigh!

A Proud Feeling

When I wrote my last post I was feeling unmotivated and disappointed with my weight loss journey. Like I committed to in that post, I stuck with my eating and exercise plan even though I was not feeling it. As my doctor instructed me, I reduced my calories to 1200 per day and I have intensified my workouts. The first week was difficult! I was hungry, tired and down right cranky! But, I did it...I pushed myself despite my wanting to give up. I wrote in a post a while back that persistence is better than perfection. My journey to lose weight has not gone as perfectly as I imagined but I am proud that I continue to be persistent on my weigh.