Me Against Myself

As I mentioned in my last post, one of my goals this year is to start running. I have always wanted to be the person who runs for exercise but I have always felt that I couldn't do it. Well, I am throwing those thoughts aside and I am giving it my best shot.

I took my first 1-mile run yesterday and it was hard. I felt like I was going to die! My chest hurt, my legs felt like cement and my head was spinning. I had to take short, walking breaks between laps and I felt like I would not be able to finish. I wanted so bad to give up. "What's the point?", I thought myself. "No one will think any less of me if I don't run. There are plenty of people who don't run". I wondered, "why on earth am I putting myself through this?"

For me running is the ultimate physical challenge (aside from pregnancy and childbirth, of course). For me running is a total contradiction of all I have ever believed about my physical abilities. I have never seen myself as the athletic or physically-fit type. This self-perception has been the biggest hurdle in my journey to lose weight. Feeling physically inadequate has kept me from living a more active life for way too long!

So, with each step I ran yesterday, I had to confront some of my innermost insecurities. It was truly me against myself. Yes, the physical pain of running was difficult to push past. But the mental and emotional pain of letting go of a self-perception that I have held all of my life was almost unbearable!

I realize that the only way that I am going to reach my weight loss goal is if I tackle this issue from the inside out. I have to confront and clean out all of the mental and emotional baggage that has kept me at this physical place. I realize that my weight is in so many ways nothing more than a manifestation of the myths I have about my physical abilities.

So, I ran step by step until I completed a mile. When I was done, I cried. I literally sat on a bench and sobbed. My tears were about so much more than feeling physically drained. I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I actually completed the run. I had taken a major step in moving forward to a new way of seeing myself. I had conquered the unconquerable! This experience has major implications for me as I progress on my weigh. I still have a long race ahead but if I run it one step at a time, there is nothing that I won't be able to accomplish!

Special thanks to my dear friend Kaye for supporting me in this journey. I have been so inspired by her development and persistence as a runner.