Total Surrender

In this life, it is so easy to get caught up in your own little world. I have recently become aware of how self-absorbed I am. I am not talking about self-absorption in the traditional sense. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very giving person. I am talking about the kind of self-absorption where you are so consumed by your own merits, expertise, resources and know-how that you begin to live life on auto-pilot.

I have fallen victim to this way of life. Instead of being as prayerful as I should be and consulting the Lord as I deal with the challenges of life, I have become very dependent on my own resources and reasoning. I have become very wrapped-up in my own plans, dreams, goals and desires. I have become way too driven by my financial security and stability. And I have even become too wrapped up in my educational status and intellect. In many ways I have been living my life as if I have "arrived".

Certainly, there is nothing wrong with having plans for the future, financial independence and education. There is also nothing wrong with recognizing how far I have come and how much I have accomplished. But, never should all these things drive my life. More importantly, none of these things can cancel out my need for the kind of wisdom, direction, provision and peace that comes only from the Lord.

As I strive to continue on my weigh, I am making the decision to surrender everything in my life to the Lord. I mean everything--my weight loss efforts, my career, my plans for the future, my finances and my family. I have once again been reminded that I cannot do it all on my own. My reasoning and resources can only take me so far. True success for me will only come through total surrender to the Lord.

Mission Accomplished

I did it! I ran my first 5K! Back in April, I started training to run a 5K in September. But, by June, I was ready to go so I ran the Baltimore Women's Classic on June 27th. It was intense but I finished in a little less than an hour.

I am so proud of myself and I am encouraged to continue on my weigh as a runner. So, I invested in some good running shoes, some other running gear and I have been running every day.

Life, Death and Faith

It has been a while since my last post and trust me when I tell you that life has been chaotic. In a span of six weeks, I lost both my grandmother and my uncle. Both losses were pretty sudden and unexpected. Both losses left me feeling empty and incomplete and to some extent just plain old angry!

You see, I have a long and sorted history with death. My first experience with death came early in life. I was only seven years old when my little sister died from cancer. She was only six years old and she died at home. I remember every detail of that day as if it all happened just yesterday. While my youth and innocence spared me a great deal of the grief that comes with such a loss, my life was profoundly effected by that experience.

Over the years, I have lost countless family members, friends and acquaintances. Some deaths were expected after long illnesses but far too many have been sudden and unexpected. No matter how "prepared" I have felt to lose someone, I always feel blindsided once they are finally gone. There is something about the finality of death that I do not think I will ever come to grips with. Death hurts and the thought of moving on with life after losing someone is so much to bear.

Perhaps more than any death that I have experienced, the death of my uncle left me so angry. He passed away suddenly, unexpectedly and with absolutely no warning. There was no time to prepare and no time to say goodbye. When I got the news I was angry and offended that God would allow this to happen. I know that He doesn't make mistakes but this loss sure felt close. I know that God will not give me more than I can bear but I felt like God had completely overestimated my strength. I have always heard that we shouldn't question God but I had lots of questions. And since He is all-knowing, I figured He would definitely have the answers.

On the day of my uncle's service, my anger, offense and frustration seemed to come to a head. As we lined up to enter the church, I felt like I could burst! I mean I was furious...I was "cussin' mad"! I felt like I was being bullied by God. After all, He is all-powerful and I am just human. He allows things to happen and all I can do is deal with it. It all just felt so unfair!

As I sat through the service, I was amazed at the peacefulness of my aunt. She was calm and full of praise. She clapped her hands and she worshipped the Lord as if we were at any Sunday morning service. How amazing is that! I mean here is a woman who just lost her love of 47 years. If anyone should be distraught, she should be. But instead, she was peaceful.

Through this experience, I learned so much about life, death and faith. I realized that life can go on even in the face of loss, pain and grief. I learned that death is a part of life. It can't always be anticipated and it definitely can't be controlled. I learned that faith does not dull the pain of losing someone you love. Instead, faith gives you the strength to make a conscious decision to trust God even when you are hurt, confused and offended. Faith gives you the strength to move forward and to accept God's peace. Faith reminds your broken heart that God has a purpose and a plan and that He has your best interest in mind.

So in memory of all those who I have lost, I am letting go of the weight of trying to figure God out. I am letting go of the anger that, if unkempt, would totally weigh down my life. I am letting go of the places in my mind that would doubt who I have come to know God to be. I am clinging to my faith and I am surrendering to the sovereignty of the Almighty God. In the words of one of my favorite psalmist, I am holding fast to my belief that " all things are working for me, even things I can't see, God's ways are so beyond me. But He said that He would let it be for my good. So, I'll rest and just believe".