A Proud Feeling

When I wrote my last post I was feeling unmotivated and disappointed with my weight loss journey. Like I committed to in that post, I stuck with my eating and exercise plan even though I was not feeling it. As my doctor instructed me, I reduced my calories to 1200 per day and I have intensified my workouts. The first week was difficult! I was hungry, tired and down right cranky! But, I did it...I pushed myself despite my wanting to give up. I wrote in a post a while back that persistence is better than perfection. My journey to lose weight has not gone as perfectly as I imagined but I am proud that I continue to be persistent on my weigh.

Muddling Through...

As difficult as this is for me to admit, I am feeling stuck in this weight loss journey. I re-read my previous posts and I wonder where have all of my optimism and drive gone? I have started deviating from my exercise plan and from my eating plan. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means back to my old ways. But I am far enough off of my path to start getting concerned.

Ever since the holidays, I feel like I have been in a constant state of transition. I had six weeks off from work, I was fasting, I had a major exam to complete, a new semester started so my teaching schedule changed, we had two major blizzards that left us trapped in the house for a week...I could go on and on. With so much going on around me, I have not been able to be as consistent as I want and need to be. The lack of consistency has led to a slow down in my weight loss. The slow down in my weight loss has lead to a lack of motivation. So here I am trying to pick up the pieces.

I was discussing all of this with my doctor last week and he suggested that I reduce my calories even more and workout more intensely. I just wanted to cry! I am so tired of this constant battle with my weight. Lately, I have been feeling like this is all so pointless. I am having a hard time remembering why I even wanted to do this in the first place. I am having a hard time visualizing what all this time and effort will afford me. I am trying hard to reconnect with my passion for this and I am truly struggling.

Perhaps this is just a rough patch like so many other times in my life. I can remember wanting to quit college and look at me now. I remember wanting to give up on my dream of homeownership and look at me know. So I am going to keep pressing although I feel like I am only going through the motions. I believe that my motivation will eventually come back and my passion will eventually be reignited. Before I know it, I am sure I will be back on my weigh! Until then, I will just keep at it...

Keeping It All In Perspective

Last year Hubby and I decided to start the year with a 21-day fast. We were so blessed by it that we have committed to making it an annual tradition. So yes, this year we did it again.. January 10th -31st was a time dedicated to seeking God through prayer and fasting. As difficult as it was, I was so sad when it was over. There was something truly magical about spending the time that I would usually be eating in the presence of God. With each hunger pain that I felt, I pushed harder spiritually. During those three weeks, I was not bombarded with the usual cares of life. It was one of the few times in my life when my weight was not at the forefront of my mind. I felt so free. It was as if I had transcended to a new level where I was totally at peace and my faith in God was the only driving force in my life. For those three weeks, everything seemed to be in it's proper place...I was able to keep everything in perspective.

As the fast came to an end, the cares of life started creeping back into my mind. I was concerned with eating, exercising and having enough time to meet all of my obligations. It was all so overwhelming and I started to feel mentally out of control. It was as if I was losing perspective. I immediately realized that the same peace that I had during the fast is always available to me. I realized that God had not left me simply because I was back to my usual eating plan. I realized that His presence and the benefits that come along with it are just a prayer away. I realized that whenever I feel bogged down by the cares of life I can simply cast them all on Him.

My weight is one care that I have a hard time casting. I trust God for so many things but I often feel like my weight is all on me to handle. I am not sure why I can put everything else in perspective except my weight. So as I move forward on my weigh, I am making the decision to be intentional about seeking God's wisdom and direction through this journey. I realize that like everything else in my life, I will fail at losing weight if I do not have Him to lead the way. So with this post, I am giving my weight loss journey over to Him. I am asking Him to help me keep it all in perspective.

Me Against Myself

As I mentioned in my last post, one of my goals this year is to start running. I have always wanted to be the person who runs for exercise but I have always felt that I couldn't do it. Well, I am throwing those thoughts aside and I am giving it my best shot.

I took my first 1-mile run yesterday and it was hard. I felt like I was going to die! My chest hurt, my legs felt like cement and my head was spinning. I had to take short, walking breaks between laps and I felt like I would not be able to finish. I wanted so bad to give up. "What's the point?", I thought myself. "No one will think any less of me if I don't run. There are plenty of people who don't run". I wondered, "why on earth am I putting myself through this?"

For me running is the ultimate physical challenge (aside from pregnancy and childbirth, of course). For me running is a total contradiction of all I have ever believed about my physical abilities. I have never seen myself as the athletic or physically-fit type. This self-perception has been the biggest hurdle in my journey to lose weight. Feeling physically inadequate has kept me from living a more active life for way too long!

So, with each step I ran yesterday, I had to confront some of my innermost insecurities. It was truly me against myself. Yes, the physical pain of running was difficult to push past. But the mental and emotional pain of letting go of a self-perception that I have held all of my life was almost unbearable!

I realize that the only way that I am going to reach my weight loss goal is if I tackle this issue from the inside out. I have to confront and clean out all of the mental and emotional baggage that has kept me at this physical place. I realize that my weight is in so many ways nothing more than a manifestation of the myths I have about my physical abilities.

So, I ran step by step until I completed a mile. When I was done, I cried. I literally sat on a bench and sobbed. My tears were about so much more than feeling physically drained. I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I actually completed the run. I had taken a major step in moving forward to a new way of seeing myself. I had conquered the unconquerable! This experience has major implications for me as I progress on my weigh. I still have a long race ahead but if I run it one step at a time, there is nothing that I won't be able to accomplish!

Special thanks to my dear friend Kaye for supporting me in this journey. I have been so inspired by her development and persistence as a runner.

Looking Back...Moving Forward

It is almost hard to believe that 2009 is over. It seems like just yesterday that I decided to start this blog and to really be serious about my weight loss commitment. While I didn't reach my year end goal of 30 pounds, I have definitely made great strides forward. So as we end this year, I wanted to take some time to reflect on all that has happened to me on my weigh and I want to share some of my goals for 2010.

Looking back...

I lost twenty pounds and three inches off of my waist since September 1st!

I now exercise on a regular basis.

I totally changed my eating habits.

I am more confident in my physical abilities.

I am learning to be more interdependent with my Hubby.

I am more mindful of my negative thought patterns and I am working on being more positive.

I am more patient with the weight loss process and the life process in general.

I am more convinced that I can reach my weight loss and life goals!

Moving forward...

I want to lean on God a lot more in this process. I want to focus on Him as my strength and my source for all things and at all times.

I want to be more consistent with my exercise even when life gets stressful and hectic.

I want to be more resilient when I encounter difficult situations.

I want to lose at least 50 pounds by Christmas 2010.

I want to work more intently towards my dream of being a runner.

I want to do at least one race this year.

I want to be more consistent with this blog!

I am so grateful for 2009 and all that the Lord has brought me through. This year has exceeded my expectations in so many ways. I know that I am a much better person as a result of every trial, every adversity and every blessing. I am confident that with the Lord and through the support of my family and friends I will move further on my weigh in the coming year. I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year. May 2010 be our best year yet!

What Do You Expect?

December has been one crazy month! The pressure of the semester's end combined with the hustle and bustle of Christmas has been more than a notion. The holidays for me are always bittersweet. This year was no exception. Things always start out so great but it is always just a matter of time before the dark clouds start looming. Being the sensitive person that I am, it usually takes me at least a week to process my emotions. And during the process, I am usually pretty miserable. Oh how I wish I was the type of person that could just get over it!

But do those people really just get over it? Or is their seeming resilience merely a facade? And how is it that one just gets over something that is so important? I don't think that I will ever find the answers to these complicated questions. What I do know is that I need to do something that will allow me to avoid this emotional turmoil as much as possible. And when it is inevitable, I need to find ways to cope more effectively. In trying to find a solution to my dilemma, I have realized another weight that has plagued me all of my life--the weight of expectations.

As I have mentioned in several posts, I am a forward thinker. For every situation in my life I have some clear ideas about how things should go. In a lot of cases, it all works out and things go just as I expect them to. But there are just as many times that my expectations don't pan out. When this happens, I feel disappointed and I too often find it difficult to bounce back. So I am making a decision to be more flexible and more realistic with my expectations. Don't get me wrong...I am not lowering my expectations. I am simply learning to recalibrate my expectations as necessary, on my weigh!

All in My Mind

For as long as I can remember, I have loved food. I especially love junk food...you know burgers, pizza, and let's not forget cheesteaks. While my new eating plan does include these items, they are the much healthier versions. I especially miss eating junk food on Fridays. There is nothing better than ending a long, hard week with a pizza, some wings, and an icy cold soda. There have been a few times when my junk food cravings have almost sent me over the edge. So now when I get such a craving, I just go ahead and indulge...

That's right, I focus in on that burger, I think about how it would look, smell and taste. I think about the piping hot fries to go with it. I imagine how good it would feel to wash it all down with a Pepsi. I even think about the sweet treat I would eat to top it all off. After a minute or so of this mental indulgence, my craving is satisfied!

What I have come to realize is that the fantasy of junk food is much better than the reality. How many times have you satisfied a junk food craving only to feel miserable shortly after? By indulging mentally I allow myself to enjoy my food fantasy without the harsh consequences of actually eating it. This is a small but effective strategy that helps me on my weigh.